Friday, November 11, 2011

The day she fell...

I've hesitated in writing this post. I've written and deleted. I've cried- I've laid awake-numb, just waiting for the alarm to sound. It's a fine line I'm treading. On one hand- I selfishly need this blog for my emotional sanity. On the other hand- I write to preserve the memories. Good or bad, tragic or stoic, these fleeting moments are heartfelt, raw and honest. In this whirlwind of triumphs and defeat I am striving to hold on to something tangible and pure. 

I realize that beyond the uncomfortableness of being so exposed there is a greater purpose. I know that if I don't document every detail and struggle than this blog is worthless. So the details- the really hard to digest moments of what ALS brings will be shared... because I can't do this alone. We are designed to be a people of community- of support and love. So with that being said... here is where we have been the past couple of days... 

It was early Wednesday morning (Nov.9,2011)- approximately 4:00am. The house was quiet and still- full of warmth. Simply, a retreat from the chill bitter air outside. As the heat radiated through the walls, mom found herself too warm and felt it best to turn off the heater. As she carefully crawled out of bed to make her way down the hall- she fell. In a split second, she found herself laying on the ground in the doorway of her bedroom. Dogs instantly at her side. Scared, dad jumped out of bed and ran to her side. With no explanation other than feeling like she had blacked out, she fell. In the midst of the fall she injured her shoulder and arm. At this time, we don't know the extent of her injuries other than she is in a tremendous amount of pain.

To say that a black cloud of emotions have been hovering over us these past couple of days-is an understatement. In the midst of shock, fear and pain we collectively have been quiet and numb. Until this point we were adjusting fine... we have been on a high knowing that mom has been stable and even showing subtle signs of increased energy. Though this fall could be completely unrelated to ALS we have to remain cautious. Falling is a sign of progression. Falling is an awful reminder that this beast ALS still exists in our lives. Falling regardless of the reason means that weakness is creeping in. This monster is slowly stealing our future. 

Each incident brings our family that much closer. Through the distance of our every day lives we are bonded so intricately with secret emotions and fears. Though each of us acts as a caregiver in separate ways we understand the heartache we all experience. 


As I bathed and dressed mom Wednesday afternoon I fought back tears for her. I was once told by a friend that the heartache and pain, the anger and fear, I feel is no where close to what she is experiencing. With that perspective, I tread through these moments with an intense adrenaline- a sword in hand ready to fight and protect her the best I can.   


We have been covering her in prayer and supporting her in our own unique ways. She has been weak, in pain and in bed since the fall. Please remember her in your prayers today. Send her a note of encouragement and love. 


As always, I will update as soon as I have any info.

With love,

3 comments:

  1. I almost cried while reading this. My heart goes out to you and your family. Your mother is blessed to have the family she does. Your love for her is evident. I have prayed for her on certain occasions, but I will now be adding her to my daily prayer. Stay strong in Him!

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  2. Oh my dear friend! I am praying for your mom and your family. I sent her a message. Hugs to you! xoxo
    MJ

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  3. Tara,

    I have tears streaming down my face. Tell your Mom I hope her pain from falling ends quickly. I understand your pain and anguish very much. It has been almost 8 years since Mom died and I still at times have a hard time not feeling sorry for her. I make myself stop and think about her having a blast in Heaven with Jesus..the one she loved so much.

    Enjoy the precious time you have with her even when it is hard because she is still with you! When I saw the last photo you posted of your Mom, she kinda reminded me of Mom. God bless ya'll. Lifting ya'll up. ~ Judy

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