Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Super Hero Within




I’m feeling so overwhelmed. I am so blessed that for most of this journey I have maintained a positive outlook. I have my good and bad days like everyone but, truly believing that some sort of good will come out of this mess keeps me moving forward.

Mom is still doing so well…so unbelievably well. And, yet- the protector inside of me is in overdrive. I feel this burning desire to guard her and stand over her and plan out her every move. I feel like a secret super hero… as if what lies beneath my daily outfit is a carefully crafted silhouette of my body that so cleverly has an “S” embroidered on it. That should the moment arise I will find myself flying out of a “phone booth” to catch her.

After so many years of being indoctrinated in “dying to yourself” and “laying it all down” you would think that the tight grip I hold wouldn’t even exist. But the truth is- it’s a constant battle. I am reminded daily that I need to let go- have faith- trust in something greater than the control I so desperately cling to. I wish I could say that dying to myself happens without a thought. But, I am a firm believer that as long as I live in this earthly body I will continue to struggle. I suppose the greatest thing is that my struggle is not in vein. That every day I make the choice to let go and surrender I gain more than I ever thought possible.

The mom I crave has been coming at me full force…offering help and resources in areas that just 2 short months ago were never even on our radar. Physically and emotionally she is there. I hate that I can’t process what is going on. I hate that I feel like I need to guard her because I am terrified that any ounce of help she offers will send her spiraling downward.

…I’m letting go. I am opening my hands and my heart to who she is and what we have right now. I refuse to cling on to a series of “what-if” and dance in the present. If the here and now brings joy and peace then whatever comes of the future will be worth it. The memories made and the sweet silent moments will forever be etched upon our hearts. The imprints that are being engraved deep in my soul will carry me when I feel despair.

I may always have a secret super hero spun within my bones… a side of me that rescues and saves and holds a deep love within my ever present hands… but, for now I will retire the sweetly knit attire until it truly deserves the spotlight. 

**please forgive me that there are no pictures with this post. Today, all I have to give are the words on my heart**

2 comments:

  1. Pray and ask the Lord for the wisdom, strength, and help you need from Him! I am sure you are. Just wanted to say I know what you are going through. My mom never wanted to talk about it, so we really didn't know what she was going through. Just love on her, and give her a big kiss!! Tell her hey for me:) Blessings! Judy

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  2. Tara, you have a beautiful and articulate gift of expression and a tremendous bond with your mother that others may never experience. I pray for continued strength and healing for you and your mom. Continue to dance and enjoy the tranquil moments. I pray that God will wrap his arms around Linda, you and your entire family during this season. Remember that your mother's fingerprints are embedded within the thread of your DNA. May that help to sustain you both! xoxo MJ

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